you didnt know i had herpes?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
