I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
