The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
