woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize