omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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