Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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