Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
