Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
