Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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