Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We were destined to go to rehab together
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
