Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
