Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
