youre lurking in front of me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
