I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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