Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
