Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Still dying that you shit outside
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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