Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
