Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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