we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
