when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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