So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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