if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize