Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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