so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
