gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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