So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
