dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
