I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
