I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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