Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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