i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
