pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
