Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize