Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
