Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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