how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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