just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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