I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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