it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
