seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
