Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize