So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
