i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
