I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
