Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
