someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think my moral compass just broke
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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