At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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