god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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