There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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