I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
