Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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