I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
