My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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