What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
