They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
