there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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