I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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