I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
