I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
